Sometimes seasons of life last years, sometimes just weeks. Regardless, each season comes with growth and lessons, hard and easy, and the sweetness of God’s grace.
I find myself amongst a season of struggle. One of those big road block signs to the life you thought you would be living. You have this internal wrestling of why is this happening. Why me? Why now? Why can’t my life go the way I planned? I have been right there, right in that spot. I had it all planned out then God said, “Let go.” That is one of the hardest things to do, to let go. To dive into the unknown and trust that you will be caught. Especially when getting caught is not what you pictured.
I gave God my career, but God promised me I would be a mom. I clearly remember that day, the day I definitely heard him speak over my life. I knew in that day what my Heavenly Father wanted for me, and I was at peace. Now, in the thick of this dark season, I’m wondering why God has plagued our life with infertility and me with a lack of feeling a purpose right now. But God, I gave it all up. And you promised. That’s me not understanding how big God is and how small I am. How perfect God is and how imperfect I am. But it’s a daily struggle. I have to wake up each morning and choose God instead of myself. This is the season I never expected, I never asked for, I never wanted. This is the season where tears are often and prayers are rawer than ever. This is the season where I bury myself in my own little shell and just hope no one asks how I’m doing, too vulnerable, too exposed. Where friendships become distant and marriage is tested.
But when I reach deep down and really think about it, I wouldn’t trade this season for anything. Seasons like these are the ones that God can do the most work. I don’t believe it’s true that he doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I think he definitely does. But I think he gets you to that point, the point where you literally cannot do it on your own, so that you can realize how much you need him. That’s quite the feeling. It’s almost like a blessing in disguise to be able to get to that point. To be able to feel such dependency on God, like to truly feel it, to know it. I have come to know that he will write the most beautiful story for us. I’m not trying to make it sound like I have this all figured out, there are good days and bad days, but I am thankful he is the author of my life and that I am no longer trying so hard to steal the pen.
Not feeling a baby inside of me and not holding a sweet child of my own in my arms is heartbreaking and just plain hard, but goodness is happening in this season too. He is teaching me oh so much. He is growing my marriage. He is maturing me, spiritually and emotionally. He is teaching me to be content and find joy even in the dark. And I will keep reminding myself that God catches all my tears and shares in all my sorrow. I will keep finding goodness.
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”