As I sit here writing this with a heating pad, my sweet doggies surrounding me, and my helpful husband doing anything I need, I can’t help but be thankful for what I do have. Yeah, no baby in my womb yet or sitting here in my lap, but God has blessed me and us with so much in the process. My mind gets so absorbed in the entire fertility struggle that I forget to look up and look around. That looking around causes my heart to be so thankful, it reminds me of his unending love. It reminds me that he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It reminds me of the goodness he wants to give us.
My body has been in pain, and it was time to look around. Our amazing fertility doctor is always reassuring and helpful, and we couldn’t have asked for better. So there I sat, hair in a cap, thin gown tied around me, and an IV in my arm, ready to get the show started. It was laparoscopic, so luckily not too invasive. He needed to know if there was endometriosis and see if he needed to do anything to the cysts on my ovaries. Praise Jesus, he got rid of my endometriosis and said my ovaries will be okay. The dye even came through my tubes with no blockages.
As Cole and I watched the video today, our doctor kept saying how beautiful the parts of me are. You know how encouraging that is after feeling like my body was broken and way less than beautiful? He has faith in the ability of my body to carry a child. Hearing that from a doctor, a doctor that is trained to fix. Hearing that I am already beautiful, that there is healing in the midst of brokenness. By the grace of God, I am healable.
“For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
I have been sitting back and watching (because Cole won’t let me do anything else) as close friends and family and my dear husband come alongside me in this recovery and as they provide me with food that I can actually eat, I see the fruit. I see the fertile soil that I am planted in, that my life is planted in. This is proof that I am bearing fruit.
Now as I peel away darkness, I can see the light and grace. There is grace everywhere. It’s through these times of trouble that the Lord reveals his grace more and more.
Yes, I’m sore, and I’m sleepy and nauseous and a little crampy, but I am excited for what God has to come. This is the beginning of our in vitro process. It’s the beginning of quite a journey. But he was watching us this first step, he was there to encourage us and tell us it’s going to okay, going to be just how he planned it. It only gives me hope and assurance that the next steps will be full of joy if we can just lean into him.