So I went to a concert last night. It was Casting Crowns, Danny Gokey, and Unspoken. Going into this concert, I was hoping in the depths of me that God would awaken my soul. That he would fill my cup that had become so dry. That he would speak life over me.
So there I am, mid-concert, eyes closed as Mark Hall started singing “Oh My Soul.” I was reaching for God, I wanted so badly to hear him. That’s when it washed over me, something that I hadn’t felt in such a way in weeks, his presence so strong. He spoke over me what I needed to write about this week. Fear. He reminded me of how real it is in my life and what it can do. But he also reminded me that fear is not from him, that he stands up against fear if I can only give it over to him.
So fear, what have you done in my life? What pain have you caused me so far? When God asked me to give up a career, fear showed its ugly face. Fear of what people would think, fear of what life would look like without a plan. Infertility has brought about a whole new level of fear. This kind of fear that puts me in a tiny box. This kind of fear that leads me to shrink away from relationships and conversations. A fear that does tell me to cry alone in private because, really, I didn’t see it coming. I never saw it coming
“ This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows”
– Oh My Soul – Casting Crowns
But you know where this fear comes from? It comes from the enemy. He creates it and sneaks it into your life and then takes that foothold and tries so hard not to let go. He wants to squeeze the life out. It’s like reaching a fork in the road, and I can choose to let the enemy knock me down or I can choose to bring that fear before my Father. Because, honestly, fear has NO chance against my God. The enemy can get a strong hold, but God is stronger. He is always stronger.
God says he uses all things for our good, so why should I steal that opportunity from him by giving my life over to fear? He wants to make beauty out of the darkness. He wants to use this storm for his glory. If I close my eyes and really think about what he has shown me so far, I can’t help but get excited and throw out my arms and say “Oh, Jesus, use me for your glory. Use this story and this journey to bring you all the praise.” Because I know deep down that he has such a sweet plan for what our family will look like, diverse and full to the brim of love.
“And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know”
-Oh My Soul – Casting Crowns
So yes, fear will keep trying to take over. The fear of IVF being too expensive or not working. The fear of not having enough money to adopt that little African boy that God keeps giving me visions of. The fear of not having a career. The fear of peoples’ questions. The fear of tearing down the walls that so easily get built up around me. Fear is real, yes, but God is more real. If he calls us to it, he will bring us through it. One way or another. I am so thankful that I can reach that fork in the road and choose my Lord. That I can strap on that belt of truth and choose my Father. For fear wavers and changes and the enemy is fickle, but God is never-changing. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I can build my life on that.