Old feelings have crept in lately. Old thoughts that have turned into new thoughts. Feelings and thoughts that have been prayed against for so long. Insecurity is a vicious thing. It can strike at any moment, in any situation, and leave you feeling confused and overwhelmed and anxious. Insecurity had its time with me, and I am not about to let it come back for another round.
I spent years of my life struggling with my weight. Struggling with body image. It began long before I had a deep connection with my Father. It began before I believed that pray was something that could truly heal and change things. I would look in the mirror and look at other women and think about how awful I looked, especially compared to all those trim and glowing girls that I couldn’t seem to stop being jealous of. Every time I took a bite of food, I hated myself, but anytime I tried to stop eating or throw it up out of my body, I just couldn’t. Which made me that much angrier with myself. So I turned to something else, I turned to my working out, my running and lifting and anything that made me sweat really. I only ate extremely healthy and worked out sometimes 3+ hours a day. I was less insecure in my body, but I was exhausted, and working out had become my idol. I wasn’t thanking God for the body he gave me, I was killing myself trying to get the body I wanted. Thank goodness for my Jesus who came along and took me in his hands and told me to start praying and not stop. I prayed and people prayed over me for multiple years. Usually accompanied with loads of tears running down my face, crying out to my God that I knew had the power to heal me mentally. He gave me Cole, a sweet husband who helped me learn to love myself how I was and was patient with me when I couldn’t seem to figure it out. As pounds went back on, it was hard, but I had people and God to lean into this time. It was like I cried out to him for so long, and all of a sudden he was healing me. For so long I didn’t think it would happen, I had decided that the thoughts would always consume me, but he said no. He came, and he healed. So now I run because I want to, and I cycle because I want to, and I lift occasionally because I want to. They bring me joy now, but they are not idols. I eat well because I want to keep the Spirit’s temple holy and clean, and I want to feel healthy. Yeah, I’m not this tiny woman and yes, I do struggle here and there with it, but God is there in those moments. He lifts me up and brushes me off and says we have dealt with this, and I love you for you.
I never imagined those kind of insecurities creeping into this infertility journey that we are on. It’s like no matter what choice we make, people have something to say. When we began without drugs and attempted to heal ourselves naturally with herbs and changing of diet, people questioned why I thought that would work. When we began getting tests and found out that IVF was our only option, people began questioning why we would do IVF and why not try to let our bodies heal naturally. It’s exhausting and overwhelming when everyone is questioning what you are doing. That is the downside of being so open during this season of life about what we are facing and going through, but I pray that God’s light shines through because of it. I keep telling myself that we are doing exactly what God has told us to do, and that is all that matters. We have trusted him every step of the way, and we won’t stop now. HE is writing our story, not all the people out in this world that have opinions. Everyone has had their very own story written, and they are all different, and that is the beauty of God’s creation. Diversity and love all mingled together. I have to keep praying that he will be my wall against insecurity. I have to choose to keep my eyes on him because that is the sweetest place to be.
I have been reading this book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. It has been wonderful and challenging and sweet, so sweet. She talks about many things, but as insecurity has crept in lately, I have been reading about what our eyes choose to see and what we choose to do in situations of heartache. We must choose to see God through this world, like change it into this transparent place where our eyes can see God through it all. Oh, it is so easy to get caught up and lose sight. It is so easy to fall victim to this materialistic world. I have, and I do. But, I want to be thankful instead of angry, I want to see light instead of dark, I want to choose joy instead of sorrow, I want to be confident in my God instead of insecure.
“But if we don’t intentionally commit to the hard practice of seeing, don’t we die in barren wilderness? Anger, frustration, emptiness?”
Ann Voskamp – One Thousand Gifts (pg 136)
“Why do I reduce The Greatest to the lesser of instead of seeing the lesser, this mess, as reflecting The Greatest?”
Ann Voskamp – One Thousand Gifts (pg 128)
P.S. In this picture I’m repping a shirt from Funny Girls of Fertility. She is great, and you should go check out her shirts and follow her on Instagram! @funny_girls_of_fertility