So we begin our IVF adventure this next week. The big box of meds showed up at our door yesterday, and it was slightly overwhelming to say the least. Overwhelming is the perfect word to describe how I have felt lately.
I have been struggling with this fine line. The fine line between having a strong hope that this will all work, and we will end up with a baby (ies) and being realistic to the fact that it may not work this try. I went from being so sure it was going to work to pretty much telling myself there is no way. How do I find the happy medium? How do I have hope yet cushion myself for the let down? I think figuring that out has been the most overwhelming part of all of this so far. I can’t seem to sort through it in this brain of mine.
As I tried to explain to Cole why I was overwhelmed and this limbo I was in, he chose to speak truth to me. How is it that every time through this when I am weak, Cole is strong and rooted; and when Cole is struggling, I am full of encouragement and joy to pick him up? That’s our God being the best Father. Being the conductor in this sometimes chaotic orchestra that is our life. I am SO thankful for that. I am so thankful for his hand in every little bit of this journey. Cole reminded me that regardless of the outcome, we can trust God’s plan. Regardless of what happens, we can trust that what he has for us good, and even more it’s BETTER.
He also reminded me that we still have each other. It’s like the infertility journey sucked me in, and I forgot that I have a family. I do. Cole is my family. A woman in a fertility chat reminded me of this too. People make it seem like a family is when you have children, then you have a family. But two makes a family. I shouldn’t ever stop being thankful for that. God brought Cole to me. God told Cole to choose me. He brought us together to grow and love and work at being the best example of Christ and his church that we can be. I have to remember that. In the end, having a baby, having children, that will not fulfil me or be my life’s purpose. My life’s purpose is still to glorify my heavenly Father. Nothing else should be idolized above that. Man, this life makes it tempting though, it makes it hard. Oh shiny. That is literally us. So quick to lose sight of God and focus on things of this world.
In the end, I know that God still wants to richly bless us in this life. He does. He will richly bless us with kids in one way or another, and I can trust his plan in that. I can. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed, all of you out there remind me of this! Remind me that God’s love is higher and deeper and wider than we can ever imagine and he is unchanging. His knowledge is something we cannot even fathom. Like seriously, he is the smartest.
Someone reminded me today to speak truth into my life each day. That I can so easily speak darkness into my life, but I must choose to speak light and truth. I have the choice to live each day by faith and not by sight. So I’m going to choose to go into this week with my heart as light as possible and my eyes looking up to the sky.
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18