Blooming Infertile Soil - When I Am Weak

Beth Wilson Photography

STIMS week one is complete. Yesterday morning I had an ultrasound and blood work. My ultrasound showed about nine follicles between the sizes of 9 and 11 mm and then lots of smaller ones as well. This is good but definitely not overly stimulated. My blood work then showed that my estrogen is on the low side. So, alas, I had to up the meds. One more lovely vial of powder to add into the concoction of a shot I create each morning. Here’s to praying that the extra boost will get those little guys growing quickly and my hormone levels to a better place. My next appointment is Tuesday, so pray and pray some more that it shows good progress!

Speaking of these wonderful shots, they haven’t been the best experience of my life. I don’t do well with meds in general. Anesthesia, pain meds, whatever, give me a trash can because I’m throwing up.   So I wasn’t really shocked when side effects starting showing up in heavier doses. Exhaustion, wow the exhaustion, nausea, headaches, hot flash, dizziness. One night I swore Cole had gotten me drunk and put me to bed because that’s how much the world was spinning! Yes, I know what you’re thinking, it’s like pregnancy probably. But the very key thing to that comparison is that there is no baby in there right now to look forward to, no baby there to say well heck this is so worth it, no baby there to distract me from the blah. A baby is still a distant not so tangible thing to me right now.

Needless to say, I have learned in a very real way how weak our bodies are throughout this past week. I have felt a physical need for my Father. Not just physical but also mental. Being weak physically can drain you mentally. It can make you want to scream and cry. Literally I cried about not being able to walk the dogs in the rain then proceeded to cry as Cole talked about buying them rain coats/boots because I mean, how cute right?!?! That could also just be the hormones talking, but regardless I needed God to reign me in multiple times. I needed to fully grasp the fact that I do not have to be strong enough to do it on my own. No, Jesus is going to carry me. He has been carrying me, and he isn’t stopping now just because the side effects are a little worse. He isn’t stopping now just because my hope feels a little drained. No, he is going to renew my hope, renew the Spirit within me. He says that our bodies are weak and are wasting away, but that he is renewing us within day by day. It isn’t a surprise that our flesh is faulty, he told us this from the beginning, but we have to choose to lean into him, choose to be renewed instead of standing still as we sink. In fact, God can be glorified in our weakness! His power and strength can be proclaimed in the midst of our weakness.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.“

2 Corinthians 12:9

Cole came home Thursday and told me that he felt like he was supposed to pray for me. I of course said yes because I’m never going to turn down some prayer, especially from my husband. As he was praying he prayed about how God knew each and every one of our days before we were even there, and he knows each and every one of our days to come. I got this vision of God with a calendar, highlighting all of our bad, full of trial days. And he looked up and smiled as he pointed down to the days we are experiencing now and he said “I am so glad that they will know me then!” Like a Father that is so relieved that his children can come to him when things are hard, a Father that doesn’t have to worry about the spiritual health of his kids as they are walking through a dark season. I am so thankful, so thankful, that I never again have to journey through a trial without the Holy Spirit within me, helping me navigate through it all.