Today marks day 15 on STIMS. It also marks 66 vials of Menopur and 6 shots of Ganirelix. It marks thousands upon thousands of dollars spent. It marks many every other day trips to the doctor about an hour away. It is about 5 more days and about 30 more vials of Menopur than I expected or wanted, but it is the reality. My eggs are slow pokes. They like to grow at their own slow and steady pace, which I guess is totally okay as long as it wins the race.
Man is waiting hard. It’s stinkin’ hard! Especially when you feel exhausted and emotional and bloated and uncomfortable. TMI, but at this point my ovaries feel like they could just about burst. It is such a roller coaster experience. You never know what the plan is really. Maybe next time they say, or maybe the time after that we will know more. It’s draining. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’m not trying to complain, I’m just trying to be real. This is my space for that, my space to word vomit everything I’m feeling and be okay with it. So here I am, day 15, feeling just a little run down and ready for a nap, oh and ready to be able to actually run without wincing in pain.
So what’s the point in this waiting? I can sit in it and just get by each day knowing the end is somewhere. Or I can let God use the time. Oh wow has he been teaching me two big things during these 15 days: trust and patience.
Each appointment when questions aren’t answered, I have to trust he is working and moving and has the best plan set out for us. Trust that he is good regardless of what it looks like to me, regardless of my day to day circumstances. He overcame sin and death and rose again, so I have hope in him.
Patience, one of the hardest things to learn. One of the most frustrating things to learn. I want it NOW! That is what I feel like a way too large percent of the time. I get to the end of my rope, and I’m like come on! Why is this taking so long? But Jesus has shown us that waiting can reap great rewards. Abraham and Sarah were promised offspring, and they waited patiently for years. God fulfilled that promise, he came through, and the patience was worth it. Joseph had to wait patiently in a pit and be sold as a slave before he became a leader of God’s people. Quite the reward for his patience. Job, which I have to say is such a hard book to read, and I don’t understand a large amount of it (thankful for a husband that loves that book), but I know he lost it ALL, and he was patient AND trusted God and eventually the Lord doubled what he originally had. Jesus, the best example of patience, knew he would die for our sins but still patiently led the disciples and taught them and then suffered a death so horrible on the cross then the best reward for us all, he rose on the cross three days later. He is alive! Patience is worth it when the reward is that sweet. Now we patiently wait for our Lord to return. That reward will be the best of all. As we endure the sin of this world, we can know that in our patience will come a wonderful life everlasting, never ending.
Maybe I wrote all those stories out as a reminder to myself, but it’s so easy to forget the truth. If something is attacking you, bothering you, plaguing your life and just won’t end. Or if you are waiting and waiting and waiting for the reward, don’t lose hope!! I am so thankful I can trust in the promises of the Lord. He has promised and through patience and trust he will bring the reward in the way that is exactly what we need. Only he knows.
What are the odds that Cole would sow this verse into my heart this week.
“But if we hope for what do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
So today as we finally set a retrieval date for Wednesday (YAY), I thank God for giving me the strength to have patience through these 15 days. But we also found out that this cycle is a freeze-all. Oh I’m going to need prayers for that one. The tears flowed. Part of that has to be all the hormones. Part of it is the bouncing back and forth and back and forth. And part of it is the inevitable wait that will now come and the extra money that will be somehow pocketed out. So here is where patience will come in once again. Patience and trust, patience and trust. It’s the soundtrack God is writing in my heart right now. I pray that I can learn the tune so intimately, so well. Patience and trust, patience and trust.