Blooming Infertile Soil - Rollercoaster of Contentment

Beth Wilson Photography

So this week is National Infertility Awareness week. This week is a special opportunity for people to speak up about their stories and also for people not struggling with infertility to listen up. You may have a neighbor or a family member or a coworker or a friend who is walking this path, and you don’t even know it or you know it and don’t know how to act. So be aware, be knowledgeable, listen up. I promise, that will make a world of a difference

In honor of the week and to continue following nudges from the man upstairs, I’m going to continue sharing my story, every little detail. So click away from this post now if you don’t want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. Also, spoiler alert, I’m going to talk about Jesus.

So last week we retrieved 10 eggs. Out of those 10 eggs, 8 of them matured. Out of the 8 eggs, 8 of them were able to be fertilized via ICSI. Yay, right!? 8 fertilized eggs! Pause on the excitement. Next came the longgg and painful 5 day wait to see how many of those fertilized eggs were able to make it to the blastocyst stage where they could be frozen. So day 5 FINALLY rolled around and only 2 little embryos made it. 2 embryos were frozen. I know what you’re thinking, that’s 2 not 0! But it’s still tough. It still made our hearts drop. Thousands upon thousands of dollars and just 2 little embryos. My hormones couldn’t handle it, so I cried. I told Cole I just needed to cry.   I told a sweet friend I have made on this journey that I know I should be happy that there are 2, but you know what she said? She said, “you don’t have to be anything, grieve how you need to about what you need to.” I love that. Jesus didn’t tell me I couldn’t cry. He didn’t tell me I couldn’t be sad. Sometimes, you just need to be sad, and you know what? That is completely okay. He catches those tears and probably even cries along with you. He didn’t say following him would be easy.

If you read my last post, I am slowly learning to be patient in the wait. The wait is where God can really really speak. But you know what comes next? Contentment. Woah, this IVF thing is a roller coaster. Literally a roller coaster that has so many twists and turns and hills and upside down flips that you aren’t sure if you will ever make it to the end. Especially with your sanity intact. The only way to get through it is patience, trust, and learning or I guess I should say choosing to be content. I think people get it wrong and mix up always being happy with being content. But I don’t think that’s right. I think you can have moments of sadness or anger or whatever. I think that it means that at the end of the day you know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be with exactly what you need and everything WILL be okay. Maybe that goes hand in hand with trusting what God is doing. Maybe if we can just choose to let him write the story then we are choosing to be content in whatever he writes. Oh Jesus, let me be content in whatever you write. In every chapter, in every sentence, let me be content. In the craziest parts of this roller coaster when tears are falling when I slip under the covers at night, let me choose you. Choosing you, being content, it’s like throwing off all the baggage and flying free as a bird. It’s really the truest joy. You want to give us that, you do!

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.

1 Timothy 6:6-7

So let me end with some joy. Our transfer day has officially been set, and it is going to happen in May! So soon right? Don’t you worry, you will hear from me along the way. Right now Cole and I are praying and keeping our ears wide open to what God is saying. Just like we did from the beginning, we want to keep following him in this.   So throw some prayers up for us any time you think of it, and if something prophetic or encouraging or God nudging pops up in your head or heart or dreams, send me a message! I want to hear it. Every little bit of it.