So all is has been doing here in the lovely Midwest for the last million days it feels like is rain rain rain. And not just rain, but cold rain. I mean really?! Give me some sunshine please! I want to take a run outside without three layers on and obsessive checks of the radar before I leave the house. I’m on a rollercoaster of hormones, can you tell? Ha!
Update on the adventures of Cole and Joanna. Our transfer date has been delayed for a TBD date. Because of being over stimulated by STIMS, my ultrasound last week showed large cysts still which are giving off too much estrogen. So no new exciting news on that side of things. When I first saw the cysts then heard about my estrogen levels, I was so frustrated and just completely over it. We had a date, now we don’t, why?! I wanted to just be done. I wanted to be off the rollercoaster and back to some form of sanity. I couldn’t handle the up and down anymore.
Fast forward to now. I have had a chance to read, pray, talk, and win some gifts during national infertility awareness week. One of those gifts was a mug that says “Cheers to Plan A.” As I started thinking over the meaning, I have slowly been realizing how skewed my perspective has been lately. I have been so focused on my plan, what I want and what I need. How can I even possibly think I know what I truly need? My body clearly isn’t ready to rush forward with this transfer, and you know what, that’s okay. It’s okay. Like Cole said when we heard the news, “God isn’t done working on us yet.” He isn’t done in this season yet. He isn’t done with this wait yet.
In the midst of all this, it is easy to start feeling worthless and uncared for. I have been having anxiety this past week to the max, and I’m 100% blaming it on the up and down of my hormones, but I started to obsess over the idea of being worthless. Like what am I doing? I can’t have a child, I don’t have a career, what am I good for anyway? But I am remembering now that I am cared for more than I could ever imagine. God cares for ME. He cares for me so much that he has a special plan just for me and just for Cole and I. That plan, that is plan A. That is the plan above all plans. That is the plan I can trust and put my hope in forever. Oh, this verse rings so true right now:
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:7
So I can choose to stare at the calendar and at the clock, just watching the seconds and days go by until my next appointment and until that transfer, or I can choose to rest in my Father and stop worrying and stop letting this process define me. I am more than worthy in God’s eyes. So I want my eyesight to shift a new way right now. I want it to take itself off of the here and now and onto the Almighty. I want so badly for him to become greater and for me to become less. Complete freedom is found in the peace that comes from surrendering it all at the cross, dropping all the baggage on the ground, and following Jesus with no other cares but him.