So as I have mentioned, I have been struggling with some anxiety lately. I think I have figured out that it is due to this new birth control they have had me on until the frozen transfer. I will just add this to list of reasons why I’m not a big fan of drugs. But, anyway, it is this kind of anxiety that I have never dealt with before. The kind that comes out of nowhere with no trigger and for no reason. The kind that I literally cannot explain. It is an awful feeling that leaves you lonely and sick and lost.
So every time this has sprung up and Cole has been around, he has asked me what is wrong and what he can do and what is making me feel this way. I get it, he wants to fix it. I would be the same way if we switched places. The problem is that I have no idea how to answer his questions. I have no idea why it is happening. I have no idea what is making me anxious. But it’s there. And it’s a perfect foothold for Satan.
So most times, when it is pretty bad, he simple prays over me. This past week he did just that. He let God lead, and he prayed. As he was praying, I got this vision that literally blew me away. I was in a dark abyss, almost like concrete ground but with deep cracks running all throughout. I was on my hands and knees, weary and upset, and Satan was right there next to me, taunting me and keeping me down with his harsh words. As I looked up, I could see light in the far distance. It was almost like the dark abyss and the bright sky were divided by this liquid force field layer. Try and picture it, I know it sounds crazy. So from behind my own eyes, the bright sky seemed so far away. Like there was no way I could ever reach it. But then I panned out, and I was looking at myself, looking onto the situation and that liquid boundary that seemed so far away was now just above my head. And I suddenly saw God reaching through that wall for me, and all I had to do was simply raise my arm, and he pulled me right out. It made me realize that even though it seemed so dark and lonely and like I couldn’t be reached, if I could just change my perspective, if I could look at the situation through God’s eyes and not my own, I would realize that safety and love and home were all right there. It is always right there. Even when God seems miles away, when comfort and understanding seem unreachable, he is always right there.
It’s perspective. So much is perspective. Since that day and that prayer and that vision, perspective has been driving itself into my brain and into my heart. With anything that is hard in life really, any tough season that seems to never end. From God’s perspective, he knows. He knows what is happening and why it’s happening. He knows what will come of it and what is needed. Our eyes see nothing, but he sees everything.
On this infertility journey, there is so much I cannot see and so much I do not understand. I can’t understand why he says no when he says no or why his answer is constantly wait. But if I could somehow see it from his perspective, I can say it’s okay. It’s okay because it all makes sense from his perspective. It’s okay because things are going exactly how he needs them to go. If I can see from his perspective then I can look at other people’s pregnancies and see that he is working out their own very special story instead of seeing it through my eyes of envy.
Whatever dark abyss you find yourself in, try to look at it from his perspective, a side view if you will. The resting place that you need could be right there, completely in your reach.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”