It is official. We are moving forward. We have a date really really set. We have known tentatively for a little while, but with all the setbacks we have had thus far on this journey, we were hesitant to set it in stone. So after appointments and blood tests and ultrasounds, it is now set. I’m not going to disclose the exact date on here quite yet, but it is soon! Be praying anytime you think of us!
Ever since the good-to-go phone call, I have had a hard time really talking about it or discussing it. You would think I would be overjoyed and full of excitement, but instead there is this safety net of negativity. It’s like in the back of my mind I have told myself that it isn’t going to work. I want so badly to be optimistic, but my human nature is going into protect yourself mode and forcing me to be realistic to the point of being negative. It is rooted in the fear of the unknown I think. The fear of well then what next?
So my mindset these past couple weeks has been prepare yourself for the worst, expect the worst, and then be pleasantly surprised if it turns out well. Because then what do I have to lose? I only have to gain, right? Wrong!! I lose the joy of hope. I lose the excitement of trusting in and believing that God can do miracles even this miracle for us! I lose the freedom of falling into my Father’s arms and putting all the heavy load of this journey on his shoulders. Really with that mindset, I lose him. I push out a place for him in this journey, and replace it with fear and mistrust.
Why is it so easy to protect ourselves but so hard to let Jesus protect us? That should be like a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t I want to cast all my cares on God? I think it might be because then I’m no longer in control. I love me some control. Like seriously, marriage and infertility and growing up, have all rocked my world when it comes to wanting to be in control. God is really trying to get that one out of me. Without control I have to actually, not just say it, but actually depend on him to take care of me. But you know what? There is such a sweet reward to be had in taking that leap. Because he will! He will take care of me. He has before, why wouldn’t he now? Even if the only memory I can think of is him dying on the cross for my sins then that is by far enough to know that he will always, always take care of me.
“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”
Now I need to remember the work he has been doing in me this last month of waiting, the work of telling me no matter what the outcome, it will be okay. We will be okay. I know that in one way or another he has good planned from this IVF road, and I also know he is working so deeply in both of our hearts over adoption in the future (all you adoptive mommas, I want all the advice!). It is so amazing how he can speak over us such unique and sweet ways he is going to build our family. So instead of choosing to protect myself and live “realistically,” I want to live in hope and not necessarily hope that it all works out how I have planned but hope that it will all work out how HE has planned and faith to know that I wouldn’t want it any other way.