On June 13th, 2017, one beautiful embryo made from my egg and Cole’s sperm was transferred into my body. It was quite the experience because you have to have a completely full bladder then they press on your stomach as they do the procedure. NOT comfortable but SO worth it. This day will forever be stuck in my memory as it’s the day this life began to burrow in and make itself at home to grow and thrive.
Then came the 10 days of waiting and not being able to do much of anything. I wrote a post about this wait, but you guys, it felt like 10 centuries!! This was one of the most emotionally draining parts of the whole journey. Did it work, did it not, do we have to start all over again? So, I decided to take an at home test, which is actually strongly not advised, but I just couldn’t handle not knowing anything. The second line was so so so faint, like squint your eyes and cock your head to the side kind of faint. It didn’t change much as the days went on, and on the day of my first blood test my HCG came back at 21. A measly 21. If you know anything about HCG or have been in the fertility world at all, that is very low. Basically in a normal cycle where someone is trying to conceive, HCG levels between 15 and 25 mean maybe you’re pregnant. I was devastated and convinced that it just hadn’t worked. Everything came swooping into my head from the money we would need to continue to the more months of strain on me physically and mentally and the sadness that Cole was processing through as well. But I took a moment to breathe and realized all that we could do was pray. That was our only option because ultimately, God can do anything. This baby is here because of him and him alone. He is a miracle worker. So I texted all my small group girls and some other friends and said please, please pray that this number at least doubles in the next couple days! I went in for that next blood test feeling less than positive and trying so hard to trust in whatever God had in store. My HCG that day? 73!!!! Yes, you’re correct, that is more than triple the first number!! The shock and excitement and hope can not even be explained. The doctor wanted one more blood test two days later, and it came back at 274!! All I can say is that prayer works, God moves, miracles happen. I am so thankful that he pushed me to dig deep into him again and be put in a place like many times before where my only option was to trust in him. There was nothing more I could do, it was completely in his hands. I don’t know why I would ever want it any other way. He teaches me over and over again what it means to surrender control to him, and every single time it is hard, but every single time it is also so darn worth it.
A week later, we got to peak in and see what was going on inside of me. This ultrasound confirmed an intra-uterine pregnancy and showed a sac with a teen tiny fetal pole inside. No heart beat yet, so there came another week of waiting and hoping and praying. Week 7 brought with it the most beautiful sound. We could see and hear the strong heartbeat of our baby. What?! It didn’t feel real and some days it still doesn’t feel real. I told the doctor that I was sorry I wasn’t crying, but my body for some reason just cannot happy cry! The Lord knows I can all other kinds of cry. Cole proceeded to say he would be the crier for this one. Two weeks later and the baby had grown, and the heartbeat was still strong. At 9 weeks we graduated from our fertility doctor, and at 10 weeks I finally got to stop my injections and artificial hormones. My sore booty is SO thankful for this one.
Last week I got to see the midwives at the hospital for the first time as a pregnant lady, and it was surreal. I have realized that, as crazy as it sounds, infertility and IVF can strip the joy out of becoming pregnant. I know you’re thinking, well that doesn’t make sense, but let me try to explain. I am, yes, finally starting to feel the joy that I should, but in the beginning it was so unreal, so not tangible, something that you never thought you could get. Settling into it doesn’t feel right or safe or okay. I couldn’t even say the phrase I’m pregnant until probably 10 weeks. But I want to steal that joy back. I want to remember what a miracle this baby is and not waste anymore days in fear of this going away or not being real because today, right now, it is so real. I am thankful every minute for this miracle and the way that God chose to bring it about. He works in such crazy and mysterious ways, but he knows exactly what he is doing every time.
“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”