Let me first tell you that all is well. The baby is doing well, and I’m doing well other than the usual pesky pregnancy symptoms. I will take them! Nothing has happened so far to increase my anxiety over this pregnancy. Heartbeat is strong, appointments have gone well, and nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. Tomorrow marks 17 weeks.
So we are…happy! Happy for this miracle growing inside of me. Happy for this time to grow our marriage even more before another human comes along. Happy for no complications. Happy for pregnancy symptoms. Happy for baby clothes and baby items.
But, I have realized something this past week. My happiness over these past 17 weeks has been for the most part situational and materialistic in a sense. I have been happy about the baby and about life post IVF (because UGH IVF, am I right?!). I have been happy for no more shots and happy for less sorrow. I have been happy for easier days (for the most part) and good conversations of the future. I have been happy about things, things that could change in an instant. But what have I forgotten? Who got us here, who brought all these things about, who put us in a place where we can now experience this happiness.
Why is it that it is so easy in seasons of heartache and struggle to seek our Heavenly Father. That we can easily cry out to him day after day after day and hold onto him so tightly. We see our need for him so clearly, and each harder day just makes it more evident. So we cling and we dig deeper, and we learn to trust. But then BAM, something really good happens, and you enter a new season. You praise God during this transition and are so aware of the shift and of his goodness, but as time goes on that changes. The happiness of the earthly settles in, and we are content. But not the contentment I have always so longed for, the kind that is found in Jesus and Jesus alone during the hard AND easy, but the contentment that comes from this world. Our need for him is distant. It’s a thought that takes more effort to bring about in these seasons.
So pray with me, pray for me, pray for yourselves to find Jesus in the times of happiness. And more ultimately to find your biggest and greatest JOY in what he has done. Not just what he has done in this season or last season but what he did on that cross to make ALL seasons worth living and possible to live through. That kind of joy is the kind of joy that I want to seep through every crack of my being and every aspect of my life. I want that joy to be the joy that lights me up and shines the brightest to people around me. Yes, I’m pregnant and in a miraculous way, but more importantly JESUS IS MY SAVIOR! That will never change, that will never let me down, that will never be a hard truth to hold onto. That joy is never-ending, never-changing. It is constant. A constant that we all need to cling to in the bad AND in the good, during challenges AND during miracles.
“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
1 Peter 1:8-9