So it has gotten to the point now when I get that question. The “Are you just so ready for baby to be out ?” question. Anytime I complain about the tiniest discomfort or mention a side effect. Or just when I say that I’m nearing 35 weeks pregnant. This, my friends, is a hard question for me.
Am I ready to meet this sweet little guy? Of course! Am I ready to see what life is like with him in this world? Yes! Am I ready to see Cole be a dad and soak in all the new experiences? Definitely! But it’s just not that simple. Pregnancy is not all sunshine and rainbows (or unicorns and rainbows as Cole prefers), but it is miraculous and beautiful and something that I wasn’t sure I would get to experience. It is also something I don’t know if I will get to experience again. So even as I get a little bit more uncomfortable, it is hard for me to say that I am ready for this phase or this season to be over. I want to remember and cherish each day and not rush any of it.
Now, I’m not throwing out miracles or forgetting that God does big things. I have such hope that he will grant us another sweet baby in my womb, but we just don’t know. I’m getting used to the unknown. The unknown is many, many things. It’s full of fear but also full of hope. It’s crippling but also freeing. It’s ugly and beautiful.
Something I learned through the infertility wait and am still learning now is that God can find you in the unknown. That place where you kneel before him and accept that you don’t know what is to come and that you’re ready and willing to experience him in the meantime. He works there and brings up things you wouldn’t imagine. So I’m trying to be willing to enter this next season with that mindset. A mindset that is not fearful of the unknown but excited to see what can happen and what will happen. Excited to see what God wants to bring up, what he wants to teach me and show me. That as I step into a new phase of infertility, on the other side but not, that there will be goodness there. That there will be great joy and growth there.
So, I’m excited. I’m excited for what is to come. I’m excited for this miracle baby that is so close to being here (WHAT?!). I’m excited to see how God continues to grow our family as the years go by because I know he will. And I know he will do it in the best way possible and the best timing possible, like he already has. I’m excited for Cole and I (and baby Johnson – whose name will be revealed when his face is J) to ride this rollercoaster of life all together and not forget that God follows through on his promises.
So I’m going to take a snap shot of each day I have left of this pregnancy. I’m going to soak up every new stretch mark and backache and shortness of breath. All the weird and beautiful symptoms. I’m going to keep being in awe of what the human body can do, how God originally created a woman’s body to grow a human in such an amazing way. I’m going to revel in what is happening inside of me as I feel each kick.
Next time you hear from me, it might be a birth story. A blog post I didn’t know if I would ever get to write and that will probably bring the sweetest tears to my eyes to type out for all of you. To you who are still in the wait for a baby or for a job or for a spouse or for anything, just in a season of waiting, stay strong and stay hopeful, cling to the Lord’s voice and his story for you because one day you will be writing that birth story blog post, and you will be filled with awe at how you got there. And it will be so, so worth it.
“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”