It has been too long, friends! Life with a little one is wild and non-stop but so fun and sweet. Zeke is 9 months old, and I cannot even believe it. It has gone by way too quickly! He is mobile, like extremely mobile. He is walking along everything and wanting so badly to walk on his own. He is a becoming such a big boy.
Over time I have started thinking about what desiring for baby #2 will look like. There is such fear that creeps in whenever I think about it. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the pain. The fear of wanting so badly but not receiving. Why has God put it in my heart to desire a big family if that cannot be the reality? The doubt won’t stop screaming in my ears. Why does infertility try so hard to steal the hope?
But wait. That is all wrong. Which brings me to my biggest struggle as a mother so far. No, not the poopy diapers or the sleepless nights. No, not the loads of laundry or the teething baby. It’s the struggle to figure out what my relationship on a day to day looks like with Jesus while I have a little baby that depends on me every moment of those days. With a job that I work from home every moment that little baby is asleep. Which I have to confess is usually on top of me because home boy is not a huge fan of sleeping anywhere else. As I saw the fear and the doubt constantly pressing down on me, I realized I had to figure that out. But I also realized that it doesn’t have to look like what it looked like before and that’s exactly what I was caught up on. No, I probably won’t get an uninterrupted hour and half in the mornings right now to read and journal my prayers and sit and stare at God. No, I probably won’t get to sit in silence and meditate on his word for countless minutes. But maybe I can pray out loud to him every time I’m in the car. Maybe I can make it a priority to meet with my sister’s in Christ to read an Advent book. Maybe I can talk to Zeke about Jesus while we play. Just because it can’t look like what it looked like before doesn’t mean it has to stop. Because that’s where Satan works. He works in those spots where we feel defeated and alone. He works in those spots where we have lost the confidence in who we are. He works in the moments of exhaustion that are void of Christ.
So as the first day of Advent talked about Jesus being the light, I too want to remember that I am a light. A light for him. I am a light. Cole and I together are lights. Cole, Zeke, and I as a family are lights. So how does God want to use us right here, right now. Not next year when we think about baby #2, not next week when we have bills to pay, not even tomorrow when we go to work. But literally right now in this moment. I have come to realize that I have to stop always looking to the next thing before this moment is over. This moment is where God wants me. This moment is where God needs me. There is no fear in this moment. There is no doubt in this moment. There is hope in this moment. And when I realize that, when I remember that, then I can remember there is hope in every next moment. And there is work he has for me and for us in every next moment.
So I have started praying in the car and talking to Zeke about Jesus like he knows everything I’m saying. I have started sharing about the oils that change our lives and give me confidence slowly but surely as I dig deep into what God is doing with me there. I have started making it a priority to get Cole and I back on the praying together train. And I am now making it a priority to be in this moment and trust God in this moment and every moment after. Because what else matters really?
I have missed you, I have missed this. But just as I have had to figure out what time with Jesus looks like, I have had to figure out what time writing looks like. I’m figuring it out, friends, slowly but surely. Sincerely, a new momma.
“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or What shall we wear?’ for the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”